I’ve been waking up almost everyday this month to either light or heavy rain showers and it’s really effecting how I feel throughout the entire day. I’m not complaining, I do love rain but somethings clearly off. I typically don’t like September’s, the city crowds, kids go back to school which means my commute to work in the morning takes a little longer than usual and I have to be more cautious…not that it’s an issue, but you get what I’m saying. September is also a dog whistle for my immune system to start acting out of character. 3 weeks in and I’m sneezing my brains out full speed. This usually means I have to spend extra money on a variety of hot Teas because I believe that tea is the answer to every sickness, and it truly is.
But there’s more about this month than just being sick, school starting back up and homework overwhelming me. My emotions are always in a bit of a jumble and everything always seems to go completely wrong. I often tell myself you can’t pray and worry at the same time, it sort of defeats the purpose; but then again worrying is a basic human function so I’m gonna keep at it as long as I can. It usually takes ones bad thing to ruin an entire day for me and that’s something I’m trying to work on. Im probably going about this the wrong way and making my life ten times harder than what it already is, but what’s this life thing without a little challenge. I’m here for any and everything testing me whether it good or bad. It was easier for me to type that than to actually live it. I want that perfect balance of good and bad in my life because I believe perfection is a façade. I just won’t allow myself enough control to actually face the bad and deal with it head on. I’m extremely afraid of a bad day, and that is a task within a task. An alternate universe I’ve yet to even come close to exploring. I’m not quite sure I’m ready, but I’m certainly looking forward to it…one day. If I wake up tomorrow and I can’t find a clean shirt to wear to work, everything sort of goes downhill from there. Let me explain: the time it takes for me to look for a new shirt to wear is the same amount of time it takes for me to get extremely frustrated because I can’t find a shirt to wear. That was fun to write! But that’s exactly how my emotions work. When my life seems like it’s falling apart, it usually isn’t but my lack of self control causes me to believe that it is. I recently got into a car accident and my life dramatically took a turn for the worst but I somehow managed to steer it back in the right direction. But the turmoil didn’t quite stop there, I found out I had a few health related issues going on that took me out once again…but of course I still managed to bounce back. But even then the list goes on and on…I’m just trying to understand how I can cope with these bad moments just as well as I cope with the good. Once I get to this point, I feel like my life won’t be as stressful and it’ll be easier for me to want to DO..
I’ve always thought of myself as a strong minded individual yet I somehow allow the smallest things to take me out of my element.
In some instances, my life can be extremely lack luster…and this usually gets worse when I’m not in a relationship. I enjoy being single but I really enjoy being in like with someone, even though it may be temporary. I enjoy the fact that I can be connected to someone and feel less “lonely” per say. For all that it takes to get into a relationshit, (what all of my relationships turn out to actually be) they don’t last nearly as long as I’d wish they’d last. My last relationship was crap and that put a lot of shit into perspective for me, truly. I won’t go into detail here, but maybe later on I will.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is I’m bored and I need some excitement in my life. I want to entertain someone, myself, I want an entertaining life. I feel so dull and that’s such a horrible feeling when life is already not looking the best for someone. I need that spark. That big POP. Something that makes waking up at 6am completely worth it. Summer is over but I still want summer me in full effect…does that make sense?