There are only a few things that I truly hate in this world. Rude people, liars, cantaloupes (we can debate this one), the sound of my mom complaining and people questioning me on why i’m single. I hate the last one with a passion. Let me paint a picture for you. I run into someone I haven’t seen in a long time and we run down the usual questions. How have you been? what’s good with you? How’s school going? Where you working at? How’s your mom? and then my favorite……..Are you seeing anyone? I feel like this question is a dagger to my heart and I hate feeling this way towards anything. After responding I’m usually given the shoulder shrug and “there’s someone out there for you”. First of all…..did I say I was looking for someone? And second, how about THEY’LL FIND ME? I’m a serious fucking catch.
Nothing boggles my mind more than people not understanding someone choosing to be single. It’s as if people think you just chose to be single because you can’t get anyone. When truth be told, that’s totally not the case. I probably mentally tapped out of dating a few years ago after multiple encounters with undesirables over and over again. Undesirables meaning that same type of person having nothing new to say or give that the one before them had. You can go around forever saying, “there are no good men or women in the world” and being completely honest, some people overall ain’t shit, but that’s a topic for another day, or you could do some self-inventory checking and figure out what else could be the problem. Let’s see, what could it be…..Not enough singles? The places you go? (I never meet anyone when I go out..) The internet? (dating sites are full of nothing but creeps and people looking for love after 1 date.)
I’m sure ALL of us have thought these things at one time or another. But have you ever stopped to think that maybe the real problem is..you? That’s what I came to realize about myself and trust me it was a very hard pill to swallow. I was the common denominator in these situations with these undesirables. I was the fucking problem. How could I possibly be the reason why i’m single??? I’m fucking awesome! Right..? I came to realize that what I dealt with, was what I was attracting. I had to face the cold, hard facts of my current reality. I had to sit down and think about the person that I wanted to be with and ended up coming to another conclusion…I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM. The person I desired to be with was totally out of my league, in a big way. Now that came as a really big shock to me. How could I make a list about what I want in a partner, and not even have them myself? To me that’s just stupid and ridiculous. So I just said fuck dating and moved on with my life. With that came, no more online dating, no more going out with my friends and worrying if I would meet someone, learning to be happy single, working on whatever qualities I wanted to have that I didn’t and working on my mind, body, spirit and soul.
But don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be single for the rest of my life because I’ve got a lot of life left to live, but I want to meet someone ideal for me to share my life with. Maybe have a little family of my own one day. I’m up in the air about kids. I’m not completely afraid of being a mother, I think I would be an excellent mom in the very far future.. but friends and family have me on edge with their horror stories regarding birth. I may be scarred for life. What I am sure about though is the person that I want to be with has certain qualities that I don’t have at the time. I was wasting my time going out with the same types of people, doing the same bullshit, over and over again. Having the same experiences which always lead to the same results: aggravation, disappointment, sadness and anger. The anger had always stemmed from the fact that I kept making the same mistakes numerous times.
So I guess i’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’ve taken a very good look at myself and got rid of what I wasn’t happy looking at. I discovered that I’m way happier when i’m focused on bettering myself and not so much being with someone. I know people are going to read this and say to themselves, “shes’s happy being single?’ “Oh my god, I would die.” And not too long ago, that was also me. But I’ve come to believe that everyone needs this time to get their mind right, more importantly get their shit together. We can’t be any good to anyone if we’re no good to ourselves first. That makes no sense. Like RuPaul says: “If, you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen?”