“How did it get so late so soon?” – Dr.Seuss
I always thought by the time I made it to my 20’s, I would be pretty far along in this game called life. I also thought that I would have my shit together. Fun fact I have been proven wrong on both ends of the stick. Realizing that neither of those things are true bruises my ego a little on a daily basis. So much so that I’m a little embarrassed to even admit it. But i’m trying to be as truthful as I can be on this blog….so there it is. I thought that I would be further along because I thought I knew what I wanted at a young age. By 15 I wanted to be a model, I did Barbizon for 2 years thinking I would be the next Tyra Banks but I played myself when I stopped taking it seriously after realizing all of the hard work I had to put into it. And the list goes on…I was constantly changing my mind about all of the things that I ever wanted to do in life. But eventually I had to step back do some serious inventory and think about it. Why am I not where I want to be? And why arent I where I think I should be? For me the answer wasnt crystal clear at first but after reading a few self help books, it finally hit me. My mindset wasnt equipped for the goals and dreams I had set for myself. I had to stop expecting to be somewhere positive when my mind wasnt there first….sorta like wanting a good relationship, but not having the qualities for one. It took years of growing pains, long conversations with people, late nights of reading, prayer, and meditation to finally get it. I also think part of the reason why I’m not where I thought (or would like) to be is that what I want has changed. And more importantly, I have changed. My self-confidence is stronger than it has ever been at any point in my life. And I work daily to strengthen it. Now if I could only stop wasting time and energy beating myself up about the slow start…..
Now I’ll be candid here, my mindset isn’t always 100% completely aligned with my goals. When I say this I mean that there are days when the Newyork Times Best Sellers List seems like nothing more than a pipe dream. And then there are days when I think something I’ve written is worthy of a Pulitzer Prize. Ok, that’s a bit of a stretch, but you see where I’m going with this. If my mindset isn’t completely aligned with my goals, then my goals won’t flourish. Since what I want hasn’t appeared in my life, then I would beat myself up about not achieving that goal. Never. Ending. Cycle. Good news: I finally figured this out. Bad news (sort of): Trying to figure out how change this destructive, non-productive pattern of behavior. I have learned that when I try to do too much at one time, I freak out and then fail miserably. So I take baby steps, my friend. Baby steps. It started by acknowledging that there was a change that needed to happen within me first. That’s usually the hardest thing to do. Honestly, it sucked that my change had to take so long to manifest, but it was necessary in order to grow strong enough to go after my goals. Once I knew that I had to change, then I figured out how. Instead of the constant complaining to anyone who would listen to my whining, I started having actual conversations. Meaning I would talk about what I wasn’t happy about, but I would actually listen to the feedback I was given in return. Not only would I listen, I would give a significant amount of time to what the person said. And then from there, I would apply the advice to help improve myself and my life. As I stated earlier, I started reading books about mindset and positive thinking. I started with a book called, “The Secret.” I know some people have issues with this book, but it helped me tremendously. It helped me learn to see the glass as half full instead of half empty like how I was raised to see it. It always taught me to be more grateful for all the things I have in my life. With gratitude comes a better attitude. So corny, but so true. I listened (and still do) to positive, motivating podcast as well. Some of my favorites are The Marie Forleo Podcast, The Lavendaire Lifestyle, and The Gary Vee Audio Experience. Really love Gary Vee because it keeps it real, tells the truth and doesn’t sugar coat shit. And someone like me appreciates that. I surround myself with as many positive people as I can. And the funny thing is, I have met some great amazing people online who have helped me to be more positive as well. I try to avoid as many negative people as possible. But sometimes that’s hard when it’s a family member, a friend or maybe even a co-worker. I just keep my conversations with them to a minimum. It’s the only way I can survive. And I think the most important thing that I’m learning to do (and working on daily) is forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for past mistakes, ideas, attitudes, actions, and non-actions. I have this terrible tendency of living in the past and replaying mistakes in my mind.
I am learning to work through that, and let it go. Nothing I can do about it now, it’s over. The only thing I can do is learn and grow from it. So even though I may not be exactly where I thought I would be. Or even have my shit together, I’m still here fighting the good fight. I’m not giving up on my dreams or myself. Clearly, I’m still here for a reason. And I’ll do everything I can to make sure that that reason is fulfilled.