I smile today because I want to lose that part of me that wants to fold into a box and stay in the corner of my room. My constant desire to stay inside and away from everyone else often overrides anything else. In just one day my mood can go from being content, to excited about my day right to a frown for no reason at all.
I learned with depression there is not always a rhyme or a reason for its occurrence other than the simple or complex diagnosis of the disease. Sometimes, my depression rises and I think about all of my mistakes in life, or I think about how I feel like a complete failure..or about the people I’ve hurt in my life. I sometimes think about where I’m NOT in my life..then depression chimes in like we’re old friends. Asserting its dominance in my life, showing up like the flu and staying for no damn reason. There isn’t anything specific that summons my depression. Its just…..there.
My main struggle involves my mental health. I always end up thinking about my past and that really eats me alive. I thank my higher power often for keeping me as sane as I am and grounding me firmly in my place, but my depression always ends up hitting me like it’s Floyd Mayweather..and that makes me feel weak like I have no control. Which turns into me wishing I could curl up into a ball and literally……..die.
Being diagnosed with depression added a lot to my traumas as a child and it always made my life a little bit harder as I grew older. But my past is nothing but a reference and not so much the cause of my mental health disturbance. It’s extremely important that we know where we stand with our diagnosis.
Someone very important to me mentioned I need balance in my life, which I agree with. I have very little fun in my life, just work, school..more work more school etc. I’m attempting to make more friends the traditional way, meaning in person and not using social media and as I break out of my social shell that comes and goes as it pleases, that’s becoming easier and easier for me to do. I’m trying my best not to shut down during my attempts to orchestrate events of any sort.
What I am learning with time: I have a lot of work to do on myself in regards to my mental health. While I am trying to fight it, sometimes I lose the battle and I give into my emotions. This is a disease that should never be taken lightly. Not a “shake it off” “Think positive, everythings going to be okay” illness. I am not always able to just shake these feelings off or have Faith in myself..lol. I am learning to be less powerless over the disease and I guess with time comes greatness. So I guess I do need more of a social life. When I’m around people, I tend to always feel my happiest.
[ This was a very sensitive subject for me to write about on such a public site, while I am open to all criticism, please be kind and thank you for reading! ]